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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, chasing a soccer ball. He kicks it, and BAM! It hits me right in the leg. I’m like, “Ouch! What the heck, kid?” But he just giggles and runs off. I can’t even be mad. I mean, it’s Vilkpede, where the unexpected is the norm.

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